i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
