My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
