Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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