I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
