I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
