i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
