How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
