Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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