If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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