So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
