Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
