he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
