How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
