i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
