No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
