you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
