In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
