do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You made out with two different species that night
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
