a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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