I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I need moral support for this bender
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
