Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
don't judge my taste in strippers
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
