I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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