Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
