i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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