hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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