I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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