So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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