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Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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