**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
