Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
