Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
i think i just lost a toe
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
