yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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