On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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