why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
