You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
