i wish there were pregnant emoticons
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
