I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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