She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
