Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
