she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
