My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
