i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
