so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
