I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
