The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
