I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
