We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
