my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
