Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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