Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
