he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
